First encounter ....

Being in my delusion world, my made believed reality. I was in my game of search for spiritual liberation and that I am ready for the Absolute TRUTH… On the hindsight, I see that I am lying to myself and beloved Sree Maa Shri Ji.

I made use of Sree Maa Shri Ji to get me a job in New Zealand with my sob stories, Sree Maa Shri Ji being kind as always recommended me to Rita, who is also a volunteer of Kosmic Fusion, instead of working for Rita and respecting Rita like a boss, I started to fight with her. I have breached the trust given by Sree Maa Shri Ji by behaving in an ungrateful manner.

As I was a co-dependent narcissist, I was triggered by Rita and all my narcissist traits vomited out like a fountain, I could not suppress myself in front of her, my mask fell apart, I was in competition with her, wanting to put her down as I cannot stand to see her better than me, I was unable to stand Rita’s façade as I was able to see through her games because I was doing the same as well. My narcissism came back full power… my evil, mean nasty self was at its peak.

Dallia, who was the master of manipulator, a full blown malignant narcissist, saw the crack and took the opportunity to create wedges between Rita and myself, she poisoned me with negative comments about Rita, such as pointing out to me that Rita has trust issues with her when she was working in her shop (also with recommendation by Sree Maa Shri Ji), that Rita was wearing revealing clothes to get guys attention … all these while to hide the fact that she wanted to get even with both me and Rita.

Why would anyone want to do that? Being a Malignant narcissist, she cannot see anyone having something that she cannot have due to excessive jealousy and envy. Dallia needed to punish Rita for owning a business, house, car, wearing expensive clothes and carrying branded bags when she has to struggle to live within her means. Dallia needed to punish me for taking the job/position that she was eyeing in Rita's shop for so long, which she sees as her entitlement 

….

This is just the beginning of me being played by the narcissists around me…. the hint which is given by Sree Maa Shri Ji that I choose to bypass ..... QUOTE:  “ when you are playing others, others are playing you”

Learn ... Un-Learn ... Re-Learn

In my journey of self-discovery... I am given the platform to Learn, Un-Learn and Re-Learn about my self, Self, SELF ...My beloved Guru/Mentor Sree Maa Shri Ji are always there to give support, encouragement in every little step I take so that I have the strength to work on myself... I am so grateful and thankful to my Guru/Mentor Sree Maa Shri Ji for the unconditional LOVE and Grace for embracing me for who I am.

Sree Maa Shri Ji has always maintained full transparency to the public that Sree Maa Shri Ji's teaching is about the Absolute TRUTH ... which is very difficult for general public to digest as the antidote is to summon our courage to get ugly with our EGO self and the seekers who are lost and have been searching for an answer to freed themselves from their own melodramas, will be shared with the Absolute TRUTH ... no sugar coating. 

Not everyone wants to accept the ABSOLUTE TRUTH

This is the USP of Sree Maa Shri Ji's teachings which I love the most.

Since day 1, I have always been shared about the importance of Honesty, Integrity and Authenticity in Sree Maa Shri Ji's teachings, NEVER once I had been misled into anything I am not ready.

I am sick and tired of my old self and for ONCE, wanted to make change for the betterment of my soul. Life cannot be just about “EAT...SLEEP and DEATH” …. there must be something more … as I continue my journey of searching ...most answers I have gotten from other spiritual groups were unable to give a satisfactory answer to "What's beyond death" … the answers were so vague and I became more lost as I was feeling more confused ... until I found Sree Maa Shri Ji. I am able to resonate with what Sree Maa Shri Ji is teaching, deep down I was screaming to myself "This is the one! Never let it go!" since then I became a volunteer for Kosmic Fusion. I can NEVER say that I do not know what I have signed up for because this is what I am looking for ... the Absolute TRUTH!

This is the what happens to the world right now ...

Life changing moment

I was happily married to a nice guy for 5 years, I was being pampered and showered with Love and care. I started to show my true self to him, being demanding, unreasonable, throwing tantrums, giving him silent treatment or doing my sudden “disappearance” show to make him worried. Played with his mind, giving him additional stress on a daily basis.

Finally, he was unable to cope with my games and filed for a divorce. He maintained “NO CONTACT” rule because he sees that Narcissistic traits in me. He left a comment to me that “ I felt cheated into this marriage as you are not the same person I fell in love with” So true it is …. I was wearing the mask of a 2 faced liar … that Miss goodies shoes are NEVER me, it’s just a fake Identity that I used. To expose a Narcissist, spend time with us as we can NEVER keep our mask for 24 hours a day.

NO Contact Rule

Being a co-dependent narcissist, my world fell apart when my supplies left me. I went into hibernation, depression and cut myself off from people around me. This is the time I went crazy and nearly mental because of my self-inflicted pain and suffering as I was in total denial. I went on a spiritual spree to seek a remedy for this emptiness that I was feeling inside, I desperately wanted to heal myself… that’s where I found Sree Maa Shri Ji in the exhibition. I always remember the first day I met  Sree Maa Shri Ji, it was their warmth and welcoming vibes that attracted me to their booth.

I first went for tarot readings, aura soma reading sessions with Sree Maa Shri Ji as I wanted to find out more about what went wrong in my marriage due to the need to be in control. I wanted to make changes in my life with the easy way out. As usual, trying to find fault with anything except myself.

All these while, I was abusing  Sree Maa Shri Ji’s kindness and went to the apartment,  join Sree Maa Shri Ji for dinner, get a free consultation, healing sessions on my off days. My twisted mind justifying my act by saying  Sree Maa Shri Ji are being so kind but never once reflected that I was imposing myself on Sree Maa Shri Ji's personal time and space, taking full advantage of Sree Maa Shri Ji as I was playing the victim of my failed marriage.

Sree Maa Shri Ji knew that I was in financial difficulty and offered me many of the free NEW clothing, accessories so that I can start to build my self-confidence in order to move on with my life.

What I though of myself vs who I am …. living in one owns bubble

Anger, revengeful, spiteful, anti-social, self-destructive, low self-esteem… are the few of the many traits that I have since young. I have always known that deep down inside, I have the dark traits in me. I had this belief that my deep-seated anger can destroy the world if unleashed. As I grow older, I learnt that these traits are not welcome at all .. slowly I conditioned myself into someone that I am not … a 2 faced liar who hid my real personality from the world.

In order to justify my own actions, I lived in my self-created bubble, I projected myself as a martyr, a altruism who has the vision to save the world to people so that I can strike when times come.

I am a living twilight who used to switch sides to suit my agenda. When playing the victim, I will see this world as harsh and cruel, I want out of this game. When I played as a victimizer, destruction thoughts crept in which I gave myself the liberty to act like a villain.

Living in denial, not wanting to face the truth of myself is the biggest mistake of my life. All the years wasted on living in a façade, belief when time could be spent on reflection and corrective actions for my soul upliftment. Now looking back, my fake identity of Miss goodies is nothing but a big fat lie.

I learnt to acknowledge that I have desires of wanting to be loved, understood, appreciated, in order to compensate for my inferiority complex, I projected it at the expense of others, by belittling their personality with gossips, slandering other by spreading rumour due to my jealousy and envy, created lies and traps to take advantage of people’s kindness, procrastination, running away from responsibilities, afraid to come out from my comfort zone, never trust anyone, lack of passion in anything as I have a short span of interest, dishonest…. and many more

Yes, you are looking at shades of a narcissism in me …. so how many types of narcissists are there you will ask … there are many and I am so fortunate… unfortunate for the some… that I crossed path on a close encounter with them. Interestingly having shades of narcissism myself has been a victim of a narcissist as well! Isn't that an irony for me …. which I will share my adventures in my next few blogs

Common terms used in Narcissism

Symptoms of narcissistic traits since young

Since young, I believed that I am special and that I am this GOD send being who has come to save the world…the one who is so kind and fragile that the ONLY victim in this entire world in ME, MYSELF and I…

I grew up feeling like a victim and martyr … which naturally arises this false sense of entitlement from within. With this, I started my quest to get my supplies by playing weak to gain sympathy and attention.

The truth is I had this rage inside of me, I hated the world. I wanted to take revenge on the adults who had put me down and control me because I am not able to fend myself, humiliated me (my Ego was hurt) when I am crippled by my own age. I wanted to rebel, to freed from their clutches!!! Rage gives me the “power” and makes me feel strong as I was in denial and did not want to face the weakness in me.

Being eldest among all the siblings, I was fortunate … to experience being the Golden Child, that all attention has been showered upon me for 3 years before my sister was born. As I am an average child,  my academic results were not good in comparison with my siblings who went to well-known schools, I was made the scapegoat for making my family “lose face”. When I got my divorce, I became the Black-sheep in the family when I was perceived as the bad apple in the basket. 

My family is never good with expression, the “good” intention of caring is being shown by being showered with sarcastic words, scoldings and some ‘punishment” for being naughty. Physical hugs and expression of emotions were never encouraged. I grew up being socially awkward and jealousy, envious grew in me towards people who openly and freely display their affections. I was the bitter one and wanted to take that joy away from them because I cannot have it…..