Since young, I believed that I am special and that I am this GOD send being who has come to save the world…the one who is so kind and fragile that the ONLY victim in this entire world in ME, MYSELF and I…
I grew up feeling like a victim and martyr … which naturally arises this false sense of entitlement from within. With this, I started my quest to get my supplies by playing weak to gain sympathy and attention.
The truth is I had this rage inside of me, I hated the world. I wanted to take revenge on the adults who had put me down and control me because I am not able to fend myself, humiliated me (my Ego was hurt) when I am crippled by my own age. I wanted to rebel, to freed from their clutches!!! Rage gives me the “power” and makes me feel strong as I was in denial and did not want to face the weakness in me.
Being eldest among all the siblings, I was fortunate … to experience being the Golden Child, that all attention has been showered upon me for 3 years before my sister was born. As I am an average child, my academic results were not good in comparison with my siblings who went to well-known schools, I was made the scapegoat for making my family “lose face”. When I got my divorce, I became the Black-sheep in the family when I was perceived as the bad apple in the basket.
My family is never good with expression, the “good” intention of caring is being shown by being showered with sarcastic words, scoldings and some ‘punishment” for being naughty. Physical hugs and expression of emotions were never encouraged. I grew up being socially awkward and jealousy, envious grew in me towards people who openly and freely display their affections. I was the bitter one and wanted to take that joy away from them because I cannot have it…..
