What I though of myself vs who I am …. living in one owns bubble

Anger, revengeful, spiteful, anti-social, self-destructive, low self-esteem… are the few of the many traits that I have since young. I have always known that deep down inside, I have the dark traits in me. I had this belief that my deep-seated anger can destroy the world if unleashed. As I grow older, I learnt that these traits are not welcome at all .. slowly I conditioned myself into someone that I am not … a 2 faced liar who hid my real personality from the world.

In order to justify my own actions, I lived in my self-created bubble, I projected myself as a martyr, a altruism who has the vision to save the world to people so that I can strike when times come.

I am a living twilight who used to switch sides to suit my agenda. When playing the victim, I will see this world as harsh and cruel, I want out of this game. When I played as a victimizer, destruction thoughts crept in which I gave myself the liberty to act like a villain.

Living in denial, not wanting to face the truth of myself is the biggest mistake of my life. All the years wasted on living in a façade, belief when time could be spent on reflection and corrective actions for my soul upliftment. Now looking back, my fake identity of Miss goodies is nothing but a big fat lie.

I learnt to acknowledge that I have desires of wanting to be loved, understood, appreciated, in order to compensate for my inferiority complex, I projected it at the expense of others, by belittling their personality with gossips, slandering other by spreading rumour due to my jealousy and envy, created lies and traps to take advantage of people’s kindness, procrastination, running away from responsibilities, afraid to come out from my comfort zone, never trust anyone, lack of passion in anything as I have a short span of interest, dishonest…. and many more

Yes, you are looking at shades of a narcissism in me …. so how many types of narcissists are there you will ask … there are many and I am so fortunate… unfortunate for the some… that I crossed path on a close encounter with them. Interestingly having shades of narcissism myself has been a victim of a narcissist as well! Isn't that an irony for me …. which I will share my adventures in my next few blogs

Common terms used in Narcissism

Symptoms of narcissistic traits since young

Since young, I believed that I am special and that I am this GOD send being who has come to save the world…the one who is so kind and fragile that the ONLY victim in this entire world in ME, MYSELF and I…

I grew up feeling like a victim and martyr … which naturally arises this false sense of entitlement from within. With this, I started my quest to get my supplies by playing weak to gain sympathy and attention.

The truth is I had this rage inside of me, I hated the world. I wanted to take revenge on the adults who had put me down and control me because I am not able to fend myself, humiliated me (my Ego was hurt) when I am crippled by my own age. I wanted to rebel, to freed from their clutches!!! Rage gives me the “power” and makes me feel strong as I was in denial and did not want to face the weakness in me.

Being eldest among all the siblings, I was fortunate … to experience being the Golden Child, that all attention has been showered upon me for 3 years before my sister was born. As I am an average child,  my academic results were not good in comparison with my siblings who went to well-known schools, I was made the scapegoat for making my family “lose face”. When I got my divorce, I became the Black-sheep in the family when I was perceived as the bad apple in the basket. 

My family is never good with expression, the “good” intention of caring is being shown by being showered with sarcastic words, scoldings and some ‘punishment” for being naughty. Physical hugs and expression of emotions were never encouraged. I grew up being socially awkward and jealousy, envious grew in me towards people who openly and freely display their affections. I was the bitter one and wanted to take that joy away from them because I cannot have it…..